As you are painfully aware, the average business professional receives about 300 emails a day. About 50% of them are unsolicited “cold” emails where the writer is trying everything and anything to capture the reader’s attention. Attention-grabbing subject lines, playing up on keywords, and sometimes flat-out exaggerations.
Just for fun and since it’s a nice summer Friday, I took a few moments to “respond” to some of the more "interesting" ones…
Email: You're probably super busy right now but wanted to get a pulse from you.
Response: Great idea! Thank you. One is never too busy to check their pulse. At this moment my pulse is 70 BPM even as I walked up 3 flights of steps. Do you want my blood pressure and glucose levels as well? Not sure they are as strong.
Email: I recently visited your company website after doing a Google search and thought we could help improve your search.
Response: So, you are telling me you found us through a Google search but you are going to improve the search that you found me by?
Email: I hope all is well and you are staying pretty busy!
Response: Oh yes! Staying busy lounging around the pool and drinking margaritas all day! Thanks for asking, what can I buy from you?
Email: I found Advantexe when I was doing some research on HR blogs. Y'all sound cool! Are you interested in doing a content collaboration together?
Response: We are so cool! I think we are like Super Cool! Sure, why not? Let’s do some collaborating together and get even cooler!
Just following up on my other e-mails. It would be awesome to take you through our prospecting service and how we can produce leads for Advantexe. Let me know if:
- You're all set, and I should leave you alone;
- You would like to know more, but just haven't had the time to come back to me yet;
- I should drop you another note in a few months;
- You're being held captive by a ninja kitten and need me to send help.
Response: Damn! How did you know? Yes, I am being held captive by a ninja kitten, could you please let my family know? The kitten looks like it has poisonous claws! Hopefully, the ransom is not too high. Not sure they would pay it at this point.
Email: We are doing free demonstrations throughout the Philadelphia area. Our services are Waste Management.
Response: Sooo… you are going to show me how to take the trash out? My wife has already accomplished that feat.
Email: Hey!– forgive me, I have to start with a random side note, your LinkedIn profile says you’re in Philadelphia – I’m actually headed to Hershey in a few days for a family gathering (slash vacation) 😆 so excited!
Response: You should update your Google maps because Hershey is really far from Philadelphia. Plus, who goes to Hershey anymore? You would have had me if you were headed to Wally World for vacation.
Email: I came across Advantexe Learning Solutions & am pretty confident we can bring more business your way.
Response: I’m pretty confident I would feel more confident if you were more than pretty confident.
Email: Reaching out one last time.
Response: That’s what you said the 9 other times. Is this really the last time, or are you teasing me?
Email: If you don’t like me, give me your best insult. I barely have feelings anyway.
Response: I can’t…I really can’t. I just can't respond.
Email: I saw from your LinkedIn profile that you might be interested in an all-in-one platform that can help you plan events, sell products, collect donations, and more.
Response: And what part of my profile would have given that away?
Email: I see that you went to the University of Pennsylvania, I hope that was a good experience. Want to chat about it?
Response: Yes, was a great experience. Helped me develop the skills to have a successful career. So, let me get this straight, just because I went to Penn and you used the magic word, that earns you the right to “chat” with me? No thank you.